John Dietrich model shots

Redneck Couch Surfing

Some redneck Alberta boys get bored and decide to have some fun with some old furniture.

Changes

Today I started something new. I have a schedule. My alarms are set on my phone to follow this schedule for a month. I realized last night that everything is a gift. I've been given choices and not been making good decisions. I've been given gifts and have not been using them. Well... at least not to their full extent. I feel alive today, and I don't want that to stop. I feel lighter than I have in months. Not in physical weight, but in my heart. God gave me Jacob and John because he knew we needed each other. I am going to accept these gifts for what they are. I am not going to pretend they are something they are not. I will not focus on where I want my creativity to take me. Instead I will focus on honing my gift. I will work the soil. I will make it fertile. I will do what is worthy, what is due. I will have faith that he will light my path. I will not put up a flood light, street light, or carry a lantern to explore where he is not leading. I will trust that he knows what he is doing. I will trust that his plan is perfect. I am an unfinished work. The clay can not form itself. The master's hands must be the one to create it's form. Otherwise it is just clay, a useless lump to be trampled.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the anger has passed. We talked it over. He apologized and I accepted it. Not everyone is like “him”. I’ve just got to learn this.

Today is get my butt in gear day. I’ve got to get the house rearranged so I will have studio space. I’ve already removed my bed and a dresser. I’m sleeping on a couch now. The sacrifices that must be made in the name of art. *sigh* I’ve gotten 2 frames ready. I just need to start stretching canvas.

Monday and Tuesday of next week I’ll be looking for a part time job. Got to pay the bills somehow. This is going to be hard. I’ve just got to remember. I’ve lived off this much before and even less. Hell, I didn’t have a home for 3 months and I made it. I was never hungry and I always ended up with somewhere to lay my head. I know I can do this. It’s worth it to me.

While I was working for Guy I became increasingly aware of my snobby side crawling out. The money was taking over. I’m not about money I never have been. I didn’t like who I had become. Being materialistic is not something I crave. Simplicity, pure joy, love, and all the other mushy tree hugging hippieisms, those are the things I want. To be close to the earth, to God, and my friends.

In the month that I have been away from that job I have changed much. This time has been amazing. A huge milestone in my life, if you will. I’m uncertain about what awaits me. I’m a little nervous about stepping out, but come what may. I’m ready to take on the challenge. I think I will find that the most challenging thing I will face will be myself.

angry and irrational

I have been very angry lately. Some people have been dragged into this due to issues I am having with other people. I apologize. It’s sometimes easier to protect a person you love from your anger by bringing in a third party. I did it, I’m sorry. I’m working on forming healthier patterns for dealing with my anger.

Now, being angry with this person I love… that’s an all-together more complicated issue. I feel disrespected. It’s been almost like reliving my rape emotionally. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal, but I have allowed it to enrage me to a point of self-destruction. I have so many issues with trust. I think it may be time for Jacob and I to use the blindfold. I’d really like for someone else I’m less acquainted with to volunteer for it also.

I want to be blind for a day and have to trust someone completely to help me get through my daily activities. I just think it may help me see something I’ve been missing for a while. I guess I’ll do it with Jacob first there’s no one in the world I trust more right now. If I feel I still need a little more I’d like to find someone else who would be willing to do this with me. Even if I don’t really know you. Do you need to feel like you can be trusted?

2hrs later:

I am angry with him for crossing a boundary he knew was there… or is it that I am angry with myself for allowing him to cross it? I trusted that he would respect my position. Am I blaming him for my failure to uphold my own position? Am I angry because he did not support me?

I will have to learn that all problems cannot be fixed right now. The world is not on demand for Ruby 24/7. I am so demanding. I must always have someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, something to do, or I feel as though I’m crawling out of my skin. I feel like I am unloved and uncared for. I know these things are not true. This is something I must resolve within myself. Why am I so unhappy with me? Why do I feel I must derive my happiness from others? Is it possible that I just can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done? Could it be that I do not trust because I feel I am not trustworthy? Maybe I need for someone to trust me fully. I need to trust myself enough to take care of someone else for a day.

I can’t play out my insecurities in my friend’s lives. I can’t psychoanalyze everyone else for the faults I see in myself.

the evil twin